"A Fool's Paradise"

     Often I wonder whether I am crazy or just silly, otherwise I am living in a Fool's Paradise.  I spend most of my day living in my dreams to avoid the harsh realities of life.  I'm getting older, still single and living in a rented apartment.  I don't have anything of substance I can call my own.  By all measures, I feel I should be pitied, but despite all this, I find myself not feeling pitiful at all.  So am I crazy or silly?
          After having suffered a lot of fatal blows and losses,  I often doubt myself if I'm on the right road.  I still really believe blindly that someday i can succeed in earning money omline.   Zeek is just a temporary setback, warning me how hard the road to realizing the big dream will be, and full of thorns!!!   Otherwise anyone can easily succeed!!!  I remember a certain Zeek member forwarded me such a maxim via skype---Thought for the Day:
Let others cheer the winning man,
There’s one I hold worth while;
‘Tis he who does the best he can
Then loses with a smile.
Beaten he is, but not to stay
Down with the rank and file,
That man will win some other day,
Who loses with a smile.
     I'm still viewing 3 ads in PC  everyday and i also bought a 100 dollar ad pack in  BB  recently.  In fact, I have missed a great chance of earning money from it.  Two years ago, someone had introduced me to it, and even paid me the initial ad pack of 20 dollars. Pitifully, I failed to realize its value, because it charged me a monthly fee before i began to earn the commissions, and what's more, that sponsor didn't teach me how to work the program. I had to give it up. Now, this program is doing well. Those people involved  earlier have earned a lot of money in it. So I am continually trying my best to learn how to earn money in it now, but due to the lack of Chinese information about BB and proper sponsorship,  I have to fumble along the way alone just like I am trying to learn English by myself.  It's very hard (god knows how difficult it is for me to learn English when none around me can speak English in China.)

     But you---my dear american web lover--are my ultimate aim in this life, The hope of earning money online is my ONLY way to get access to my ultimate aim. Because it's so wonderful to be able to earn money online by breaking down the boundaries of time and space!  Thus, if someday I am really lucky go to USA by marrying you, I needn't  struggle on  seeking a  job to make a living at all!  We will have a happy marriage no matter which country we live in.  Oh, you see, now I'm just living in my illusions which sounds too fantastic.  Pitifully, I have been in this field of earning money online for nearly 5 years, and until now, it seems that I'm still a complete failure on earning money online. so I begin to say to you  if I can't succeed, I'll be ineligible to win your love, no chance to realize my dream all along, I won't implore you to go to China for me any more.  After all, how can a poor Chinese be blessed to marry an American, becoming an American citizen so easily?  It's really wishful thinking---"a fool's paradise"--more absurd and impractical than the attempt of earning money online.   Don't forget, in China, god knows  how many wealthy Chinese people are trying their best to save every penny in order to get their children to college in USA, their ultimate purpose is just for their children to get a green card and become an American citizen.  Now I have submitted myself to fate itself. If I'm bound to be poor to the cruel fate, I can't have complaints or regrets. However, I really don't know how many years I need to continue to live such a miserable and lonely life,  I don't know how the god will arrange for me!

     In fact, just this morning, while I was still in bed, I fancied that you're by my side, I caressed  you gently in my heart with limitless love.

     At the same time, I recited a beautiful Chinese essay" The Green" written by Zhu Ziqing, in my heart.  The writer, Zhu Ziqing, found a pool of green water, he couldn't help loving its green color so much. then he wrote such a beautiful and famous essay. In my heart, you're just like the "green water" in Zhu Ziqing's essay!

    (我若能裁你以为带,我将赠给那轻盈的舞女;她必能临风飘举了。我若能挹你以为眼,我将赠给那善歌的盲妹;她必明眸善睐了。我舍不得你;我怎舍得你呢?我用 手拍着你,抚摩着你,如同一个十二三岁的小姑娘。我又掬你入口,便是吻着她了。我送你一个名字,我从此叫你“女儿绿”,好么? )
     If I can cut you into ribbons, I'll donate them to the light-footed dance girl, she must fly in the wind with the bonds. (in China, there's a kind of dance with the long and colorful ribbons, I don't know if you have seen it on TV.)  If I can scoop you into the eyes, I'll present them to the blind singer girl , she must have the shining eyes and attractive looks. However, I hate to share you to others, yeah, how can I part with you? I pat and caress you gently, as if you're just a young girl of only 12-13 years old, I again hold you with both of my hands to my mouth, it's me who has kissed "her",ok? ("her" means that young girl of 12-13 years old.) I send you a name, from now on, I call you as the "daughter green"(there's a kind of Chinese matured wine in first-class named "daughter red". according to the Chinese folk custom,  this kind of wine was sealed and buried under ground  when the family's daughter was born, and only on the daughter's wedding, it can be allowed to open and enjoy.  The writer just compared " the green water" as good wine), Ok?

     Sorry for my clumsy English  translation, but you can imagine how the writer loves that pool of green water! How beautiful the green water is!  Oh, my dear, do you know you're more precious than "daughter green" in my mind?

      Yeah, I CAN'T part with you in my heart forever!